Nobody’s so badass that they couldn’t use an extra shot of the stuff to make them even more badass. That’s where George Thorogood & the Destroyers’ way-overplayed ‘Bad to the Bone’ comes in. That opening dirty, bluesy guitar riff says it all: You don’t want to mess with this dude, dog or garbage bag. From movies and TV shows to commercials and classic-rock radio, the overplaying of ‘Bad to the Bone’ over the past 30 years has softened its bite.
Sisqo, “The Thong Song”
I hate to object to a song based only on the lyrics because there are some great songs with some really stupid messages, but “The Thong Song” is just an abomination to all that is holy. It will never make my “booty go da na da na,” whatever the hell that means. It actually makes me want to put on a pair of granny panties, clutch my pearls, and say, “Well, I never!”
Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping (I get knocked down)”
Remember that horrible moment in 1997 when every time you turned on the radio, no matter what station, you had to hear the frenetic push and pull of this pub song on acid? God, that shit was torture. Also, anyone who still thinks this is a good song is probably some sort of Russian spy and should be preemptively deported.
House of Pain, “Jump Around”
This isn’t the worst song in the world, but it’s that initial screeching caterwaul of a note that sends me into physical pain each time I hear it. It’s like some sort of dog whistle for people with good taste or something. Also, please don’t jump around, especially when drunk. That’s how toes get broken.
Anything by the Black Eyed Peas
The most virulent offenders are, of course, “I Got a Feeling” (no, sorry, not interested in having a good night with you) and “Let’s Get It Started” (sorry, I don’t think being “retarded” in here is a good idea) but really, just leave all the B.E.P. songs off of your party playlist. Then again, if you’re the kind of person who would play any of their songs at a party, I probably already pressed “Will Not Attend” on your Facebook invite.
Vengaboys, “We Like to Party”
The horrible synthesizer beat from this song was already the audio equivalent of a saccharine tumor, but then Six Flags had to go and make it worse by using this song in its ad campaign with a scary old man dancing. Now it doesn’t just give you cancer, but post-traumatic stress disorder flashbacks, too.
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For those who haven’t seen the commercial here it is…
4 Non Blondes, “What’s Up?”
This is only a get-a-party-started song if you hang out with drunk lesbians or do a lot of karaoke, but you know there are people holding Corona long-necks with their arms around each others shoulders singing, “And I said Heyyyyyy-ayyyyyy-ayyyy-yayyy-yay. Heyyyyyy-ayyyyyy-yay. I said Hey!” right this very moment. And that’s the problem. The shouty chorus is enough to get lodged in your head as it is, but when it’s being eviscerated by 10 drunk people at the top of their lungs, it’s enough to puncture an eardrum.
I’ll admit, the beat is enough to make me want to do a little shimmy when I hear it in the club, but as soon as it gets to the part with Li’l Jon and company shouting, “shots shots shots shots shots,” I just want to find the nearest fat fart boy holding a bottle of Jaegermeister, douse him with the bottle, and set him on fire. This is the song your grandfather was worried about when he used to bitch about “that rap music.”
Baha Men, “Who Let the Dogs Out”
I don’t know that I have ever listened to this entire song, but the initial barking refrain has been used by every bar mitzvah DJ, stadium organ grinder, and talk show warm-up comedian to gin up manufactured enthusiasm for the past 10+ years. This dog needs to be sent to a farm upstate—pronto.